it's official. this season's real world sucks ass. aren't young people supposed to explore possibilities and be open minded? seems that all this year's cast wants to do is shout the opinions they're not going to change. fuck dat!

i'd like to change everything just for tonight to whatever it takes to become winter. i want to curl up under some blankets with my honey and talk until we fall asleep.

im just having thoughts of marianne.

guess who doesn't give a schiott? ME!

it's okay when everyone else does it?

today's my dad's 60th birthday!!! time does some fucked up shit. i'm not a kid anymore.

five months!

i know we're dying and there's no sign of a parachute. we scream in cathedrals. why can't life be beautiful? why does there got to be a sacrifice?

i know i've said that before, and i'm not telling you what's going on with my life. how was the trip to cleveland? i'm falling in love.

you think i'm a queer? i think you're a queer! said i think you're a queer! i think you're a queer!

(i shaved every place you've been, boy.)

some pieces are missing.

you know those favorite memories we have about the people who are dear to us? i used to have a little section on here about some favorite memories with a few of my favorite people. i talked about all the nights sarah and i spent in the office at wendy's just talking away; i talked about the time marcy and i fell asleep in her back yard and were awakened by the sun coming up; and i talked about jule's and my trip where we didn't have a destination in mind (and the trip turned out to be awesome). ever think about moments turning into those memories while they're happening? i think tonight's going to turn into a gentle version of one of those memories. he's such a good guy!

if you're looking for me this weekend, i'll be in cleveland. try me on sunday.

anybody out there want a fucking cat!?!? a laboratory...someone who needs to make a sacrifice to his or her gods??? let me know if you want her! if you need money, we can probably arrange that too!!!

i love.

why do they call it common sense...?

k. im off to the forest to have fun with the trees!

LOL! some guy just sent me a pm that says, "i suck."

the good thing about this shit's that i'm in control. i am choosing to be aggrevated by nothing in particular. i simply need to find some intense stimulation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's just one of those days when you don't want to wake up. everything is fucked. everybody sucks! you don't really know why but you want to justify ripping someone's head off. no human contact. and if you interact, your life is on contract. your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker. it's just one of those days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have an interview scheduled for 3:30 today, so i need to be deciding if i'm going to it. i don't want the job and it's in the opposite direction of my beloved school. an interview would be good practice, though. (decision time.)

i love blogger!

today i met with my advisor. she told me all about the class we're going to do together. i ordered the text book tonight. she gave me all the assignments i need to complete. she told me that i could go ahead and do them, and she and i'd have to meet just a couple times to talk about stuff. the class is literary criticism. i'm so fucking proud of myself! this shit's coming true!

remember our new year's resolutions two years ago, marcy? i think i've done all mine this year! go me. girl's working on hers too! go us.

i loaded up on tori and set out for a drive. i feel much better now. i was getting clogged up from being here too long. i want my own space again. i want to do something with this energy.

something. i don't know how well i can put this into words, but i'll try. rob and i went to see scary movie II last night. as we walked out of the mall into the muggy, night air, i noticed that i felt very at peace. comfortable was the thought that we were going to get into the car together and drive through the night all the way back to his place. we listened to some music. we talked a little, but mostly we were silent. i held his hand. i feel good when i'm with him! there was just something awesome about the black night being wrapped around us. we were alone together. so many things can be heard when we don't use our voices!

whose influence are you under?

i think i need some drama in my life. things are going too smoothly. somebody tell me that my mom's really my sister!

i hope you weren't referring to me. you know i love you bunches?

dear lie, you suck
you say you could fix anything
instead, i'm fucked
you made things even worse for me
if i had balls, i'd tell you get away from me
guess i'm not smart
i let you unnerve me
i let you control me
afraid the truth would hurt me
when it's you that hurts me more

-from "dear lie" by tlc

10 years after i started, i should finally get my BA in december. wu hu! i got into all the non-english classes i need, and i have an appointment on monday to meet with an instructor who's going to work with me to do my two english classes by arrangement. i'll go ahead and pat myself on the back for you! ...so in five months girl's going to have her degree! =)

(everyone knows i'm her man.)

what else? the advisor i used to have is apparently now a bag lady in baltimore. bitch lost it or some shit.

i have an interview for a job i don't want on tuesday. i'm going to do some serious budgeting to see if i can just go to school!

i had a good time with sarah yesterday! we had lunch and went to a record store.

things are good. when my honey starts feeling better, life'll be perfect!

i need this moment to be a total fucking bitch, so consider this your warning! all the shitty qualities you see in everyone else? those are the rules which dictate your motherfucking existence, asshole. you're a big, worthless piece of shit and i can't wait until the world flushes you, because...well...you know every shitty thing you do comes back to you at least threefold.

i've done good today! i haven't eaten any meat, so i'm back back on the road to becoming a vegetarian. i've written lots in my journal and i've read some. my checkbook has been balanced and all the receipts are no longer in my wallet. i cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. i played a bit with nitra and lana. i took a long walk. i requested a replacement for my damaged credit card. i filled out paperwork that needed to be filled out from the folks who no longer employ me. i'm ready for registration on friday. i called marcy (but she wasn't there). i finally have plans to visit sarah tomorrow. and i miss rob!

i'm going to do at least one thing to make the world a better place today! i got to. i'm starting to feel as useless as....something really, really useless!

thanks, rob. you're excellent.

"hey jupiter" by tori
(for moi)

no one's picking up the phone
guess it's me and me
and this little masochist
she's ready to confess
all the things that i never thought
that she could feel and

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought you'd see with me
you wouldn't have to be something new

sometimes i breathe you in
and i know you know
and sometimes you take a swim
found your writing on my wall
if myhearts soaking wet
boy your boots can leave a mess

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought i wouldn't have to keep
with you
hiding

thought i knew myself so well
all the dolls i had
took my leather off the shelf
your apocalypse was fab
for a girl who couldn't choose between
the shower or the bath

and i thought i wouldn't have to be
with you
a magazine

no one's picking up the phone
guess it's clear he's gone
and this little masochist
is lifting up her dress
guess i thought i could never feel
the things i feel
hey jupiter

i'm sorry if your evening gets ruined, baby!

thanks to someone, i have "it's been awhile" stuck to my noodle. good luck with the interview today, kt!

::sigh:: he just called me! i'm going to his haus in the morning after my cleaning. please, god, don't let me fuck this one up.

there's a time to keep it up. there's a time to keep it in.

anyone knows you can conjure anything by the light of the moon!!!!!!!!!!!! (did i spell that right???)

this is for illustration purposes only. no person needs to feel that i am making fun of him or her. here goes:

i talked to sarah online today. we miced. she was watching days. i was listening to tori. we spoke of tammy and raina. ::giggle:: i haven't talked to marcy in a really long time. i'm going to have to call her or some shit but she does always have company. my cat, lauralee, is asleep on the couch. everyone, including MJ, says that she has a wee head. speaking of adam...there used to be this guy named adam with whom i worked. he was hott (and a closet case). cucumbers are good for purposes amany. white people who think they're black. wtf! sometimes i worry that i think too much is psychological. er something like that. i'm so not even going back to read that. i have the right. the right to say when and if anyone finds out or does not find out what is happening to my body. and i expect you to honor that right. yumm... boys with dark hair. i don't like that word: "boy" i'm not a boy and i don't expect to date anyone who's really a boy. date? that's not what i always do. but I HOPE all that shit's changed. (i really like HIM!) trent reznor makes me moist! i want to live in a town where you can get away with murder. do you realize how fucking many married men there are out there who like to get it on with other men!?!?!? your dad may be one of those peeps! (one of you who's a faithful reader has a dad who once fucked me!) pepsi cola with bourbon! (OMG!!!!! i fucking miss him. i cannot wait until today is over..............................we promised not to contact each other today because we've been spending too much time together!) i love to see two girls together! why's it sad when peeps die? i mean.... when i die, celebrate my life! tom cruise has a new girlfriend??? wtf!!! he's so motherfucking gay! jule.

guys who call their friends "buddies".................that be a pet peeve!!!!!

i want to see original sin. umm.................

adam from road rules is really hott! (but not as hott as my guy.)

you'll never be able to swallow my whole star intact. i'm about to say some stuff that might make some of you cringe. i'm about to get nasty on y'all. send me email or sign my guestbook if you need to respond...and i hope you do!!!!!!!!!!!!! am i moving too fast with this guy??? i've been talking to him for about a month.... he's almost the opposite of myself. he gets his drive from everything earthly (e.g., financial stuff, houses, golf [lol]) and i'm driven by creative stuff (e.g., toe fucking, farting in the faces of old women on walkers). and i've never met a man like him!!! he's so serious and playful all at once......... but i think i wear him down. like we were umm...having fun (for the first time) and i couldn't stop...after i'd wanked like 4 times already that day. he advised me to keep wanking at least twice a day. do i have an abnormal drive for sex?? can some man who's at least 26 let me know how horny he's? and yesterday...well yesterday...i couldn't stop touching him. he told me that maybe i'm making up for lost time (i haven't really dated anyone in almost a year) and he loves it! i want someone to touch me just as much as i was touching him. (maybe that's not fair because he does touch me...when we're driving in the car...when we're in ames!) i just need some wild, intense sex, but he says he's not ready for that. sex is a really personal experience for him. i cannot tell you people how much i like this guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he's MORE than worth the wait!!!! this may be the man i marry!!!!

i love you, baby!

i have an appointment in the morning for a cleaning. i'm starting to feel useless cuz i have me no job. i think i am drunk. who do i remind me of????? ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!

a couple more and it'll be gone!

i'd forgotten that showers can be so hott.

major withdrawal going on here.

my pecker's made from wood.

these tears i've cried i've cried 1,000 oceans and if it seems i'm floating in the darkness well i can't believe that i would keep you from flying and i would cry 1,000 more if that's what it takes to sail you home sail you home sail you home

i'm aware what the rules are but you know that i will run you know that i will follow you over silbury hill through the solar field you know that i will follow you

and if i find you will you still remember playing at trains or does this little blue ball just fade away over silbury hill through the solar field you know that i will follow you i'm aware what the rules are but you know that i will run, you know that i will follow you

these tears i've cried i've cried 1,000 oceans and if it seems i'm floating in the darkness well i can't believe that i would keep you from flying so i will cry 1,000 oceans more if that's what it takes to sail you home sail you home sail you home

happy still. =) things are going better than i ever expected. don't get me wrong; i'm not happy just because there's a guy, but i'm happy because everything's going really well! ...better than i ever expected. (he is cool though!)

here i am coming in late (early?) again. =) it's a good thing!!!

i think im truly happy. i just got home. the weather's awesome. bear was sleeping outside the back door. lucy was in the living room. moses was just behind my bedroom door. i have some great friends that i love a lot. (some are probably too good for me.) im getting to know a guy who seems really great. i feel like i can finally take care of myself. life can be good! hope you're all sleeping as well as i'm about to. peace (l & a h c)!

my page sucks. i think it be time to spruce some shit up. i have stuff to do all day today, though. (i'm better now.)

i'm ugly tonite. (all because of one.) gives me some meat for my session in the morning.

prince of darkness? try squire of dimness!

black burns. white smile. talking with your eyes. hands on feet. (then it comes.) the world's beautiful and i still got it!

god, i love the way this tastes! want to bet on how long it'll take me to fuck it up??

anyway....

here's why i can't sleep!BlogThis!

i know everyone out there's met someone like this, because there are just too damned many people like this out there! they think they know themselves so fucking well that they have a big list of qualifications you must meet before getting in the door, and...well...if you get in the door and they find that they may have missed something, get out! are these people sooooo fucking afraid of possibilities?? where's the guy whose mind is really open?? how the fuck are there so many closed minded fags out there? why the fucking am i wasting my energy?? i'm feeling (again) like i'm not worth your time.

sign my guestbook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!