i'm feeling major disappointment, and like i've said before: even though it's aimed at them, it's all about me! i was almost a big, fat hypocrite tonite. school starts today, and i'm not excited about it at all. i have one FUCKING class to go to and it doesn't start until 230! it's an entry-level class that my stupid ass didn't take years ago, so i'm going to be in there with a bunch of 18 year olds. i fucking hate life right now! there's a big fucking hole in mine that nothing will fill! =)

good day to ya.

you honestly didn't think i had the balls, did you? well, you were right!

signing out...for real, this time

won't do no good to sing no love song
no sound could simulate the presence of a man
-fiona

here's today's theme song.

i love you (if that counts for anything).

Maybe Someday
by The Cure

no, i won't do it again
i don't want to pretend
if it can't be like before, i've got to let it end
i don't want what i was
i had a change of head
but maybe someday
yeah, maybe someday
i've got to let it go and leave it gone
just walk away, stop it going on
get too scared to jump if i wait too long
but maybe someday
i'll see you smile as you call my name

i saw a neat movie over the weekend. it's called playing by heart. umm.... it has sean connery, ellen burstyn, jay mohr, gena rowlands, gillian anderson, jon stewart, angelina jolie, ryan phillipe, madeline stowe, and dennis quaid (i don't know if i spelled all those right or not) in it.

i'm nervous about school starting, but i have my britney spears back pack all ready to go!

umm.... i'm high as a kite right now so i think i'm going to go enjoy it. byeeee

i sincerely apologize if i've hurt you so badly that you need to embellish the story of us to anyone who'll listen.

today's tori's 38th birthday!

today's theme song.

how come i can't be there where you are?

hey!!! start reading from my first post from tonite!!! then EVERYONE, puh-leeeeeease leave an entry in my guestbook!!!!!!!!

i went out on a blind date tonight, and i didn't worry once about whether or not he liked me. that was up to him, and all i could do is be myself. if it tells you anything, i'm pretty sure i could have had sex tonight if i'd wanted! i seriously didn't want it. out of respect for the next person i love, i'm going to hold out until i'm sure it is he.

ta tah for real this time!!!!

it was monday. now it's tuesday. my plan was to make positive changes come monday, but i feel that one has to work up to big changes. next monday would be a good time to start being a better freak (cuz of school starting and shit) so i think i'll start being a better freak next monday!!!

everyone gets horny! it's a fact of nature. and i understand how in a state of horniness one might make some not-so-great choices and have sex with someone they may regret having had sex with. (it really bothers me that i ended that sentence with a preposition!!!) but, for the life of me, i cannot understand what's so fucking great about seeking out strangers and having one night of some kind of sex with them! i would so much rather have sex with whom i feel comfortable, not someone i'm going to ask to leave after i've gotten off! maybe i'm just not as open-minded as i think!?!? is it all to prove something to the world?? i think it's for validation. i have 500 people who've wanted me in my lifetime, not only 1 person who has loved me and knows me and cares for me and lives with me and fights with me and nurses me when i'm ill!!!! what a fucking waste of my motherfucking time!!!!

i'm kind of in the mood to talk now. and no, i'm not drunk! i haven't consumed any liquor for a few days now. (and i tell you: it's rough!) i'm just in a really good mood, and i'm pretty sure it's because i wasn't here for most of the motherfucking, goddamned day! =D

so i'm going to tell you a story....

(for the sake of my story, assume that people hook up to eat chocolate chip cookies together.) there's this couple who hooks up to see if they can make good chocolate chip cookies...and it matters only to the two who're the couple whether their chocolate chip cookies are fabulous or no cuz they're the ones who're going to eat the chocolate chip cookies! (these ain't the kind of chocolate chip cookies you're going to share with granny!) ...so the two hook up and talk about ingredients and measurements and they check out each other's cookie sheets and they decide they'd like to talk more about the cookie-making process and maybe actually bake chocolate chip cookies together at some point. ...so they get together a few times and talk before they make a batch of chocolate chip cookies. when they finally make the cookies, they're not the best cookies they've ever eaten, but they realize they're a new team and they need to work some kinks out of the recipe and eventually they'll probably make cookies they both like. during one of the cookie-making....................

i cannot continue!!!! perhaps i'll finish it some other time!!!!

congrats, juliana! i love you like the my baby you are!

ta tah, folks!

i also read on gay.com earlier that homosexual men should get regular pap smears...especially the ones who take it up the ass a lot. apparently there's a virus passed from participating in ass sex and it can cause ass cancer. it would soooooo totally suck to die from ass cancer cuz you took it up the butt too much!!! (gay.com's version was vague and ridiculous, too, but i've come to expect that from my fellow queers!)

have you ever been at a restaurant where there's one fly...and it's swarming all around you and you worry that everyone thinks it's doing it because you smell like ass!?!?!? no matter what you do and how many times you swat the fucker, it won't leave you the fuck alone!?!?!? that shit happened to me tonight and it made me angry. i also followed some dude into the bathroom to p. he washed his hands, pissed and then left. weird!!! we're all so motherfucking different! ain't it sweet???

today started out as a cyndi lauper day. now it's more like a cranberries day. i will no longer feel pain over someone who cannot feel pain!

okay.... today's been a musical day. i'm thinking i should, like, form a band or something. how about a solo job? i could be like tori, except i really wouldn't be her. sometimes she weirds me out, but i still love her.

people piss me off who can't talk about shit. communication's all we got holding us together. and i'm still on this find-a-man kick! (or wanting-to-find-a-man kick. how about find-THE-man-kick??) what the hell's that about? it's about me hating my boring, fucking, shitty life like hell! school starts in a week, and i'm thinking that i may decide not to go and just move the fuck away from here and start a new life. ...but then i'll eventually become bummed out because i still don't have that motherfucking degree! i bore the hell out of myself! that's a big problem. i don't do anything with this fucking energy, and i can't stand to be around people who are like me, so i just sit here, dying. (boo hoo, asshole!) life is FUCKING PAINFUL! i want to do spur-of-the-moment stuff like i've never done before. what the fuck's up with all this safe shit? jule and i could have been in goddamned new orleans last week instead of fucking savannah. (it was my third time!) nothing's safe, so i do as many safe things as possible, even though it goes against my nature.

how many chances do you give people? you can't rule someone out just because first impressions are bad. (i still love.) i feel so fucking old these days when everyone else my age has a fabulous career and a house and a spouse and at least one brat! (so you stop comparing yourself to every goddamned one else!?) who hates the word "fag"? too motherfucking bad!!!

LIQUID DIAMONDS. last week as jule and i were driving, driving, driving, jule became delirious from being tired. we were listening to tori. "liquid diamonds" was on. i was like saying "liquid diamonds" while tori was singing it, and jule began to guffaw. i was so ready to punch the bitch! we sooo got on each other's nerves being together all that fucking time.

you're bored! i'm outtie.

(oh! one more thing! ...i've been having thoughts of marianne quite a lot lately!!!!!!!!!)

and i go from day to day.
i know where the cupboards are.
i know where the car is parked.
i know he isn't you.

(are you safe now we're through?)

please, life, let me coast along once again!

don't spread the discontent. don't spread the lies. don't make the same mistake with your own life. ...i know that it will hurt. i know that it will break your heart the way things are! from "break your heart" by natalie merchant

it's today's theme song.

i woke up this morning at around 4:30 to find moses sleeping beside me with his head on the pillow and his body on the bed. i had to turn on the light and take a picture, cuz it was just so gosh darn cute! ...and i complain cuz i don't got no one to sleep with. here's the pic!

aight, peeps! i have the savannah pics posted. i'll put the links on the pics page soon. for now they're here!

i'm such a fucking hottie! i have a great personality. i have, like, good ethics and morals and stuff.... i'm very spiritual. where's the love of my life!?

here's what jule did in savannah: 1 2 3. do you see what i see?

here's a pic of jule and i coming back from the beach after we made the ocean bigger on our last nite there! >:-D she's not trying to lick me, i swear! also, i'm not a drag queen...it's the angle of the camera. (i'm talking about the eyebrows, freak!)

a pic of jule pimpin'!

a pic of me down on river street!

and finally, here's a cute pic of jule putting change in the meter before we went to the bayou cafe!

time to turn the fucking page!!!

...after men who'll never want me or who aren't good enough for me. you're the first. i'm going to campus to sit there in that spot by the library or maybe walk the bike trail. come, tell me that i was wrong about you, and i'll do anything for you.

like a fucking addict, i'm dying for another hit. i hope like hell that he comes back and shows me i was more than wrong about him. i crave a crazy, intense, romantic kind of love that i almost once had. you don't have to be a whole person to fall in love, just so long as you remember you're not a whole person with or without the person you love. my northern lad and i were going there. he's gone for real, but i know there have to be more like him.

All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of one, small candle.

have you ever wanted to die? i want to remember. you, me sitting there that night, everything wanting to be entwined. you're gone and i wanted to be you.

i love you.

i hate seeing people in pain...especially the people i care about. mike, you know where to find me! and i hate seeing people not doing things that are good. argh! tonite's been something!

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder
what's in a day
what's in your cake this time

i guess you heard he's gone to LA
he says that behind my eyes i'm hiding
and he tells me i pushed him away
that my heart's been hard to find

there must be something here
there must be something here

baker baker can you explain if truly his heart was made of icing
and i wonder how mine could taste
maybe we could change his mind

i know you're late for your next parade
you came to make sure that i'm not running
well i ran from him in all kinds of ways
guess it was his turn this time

time thought i'd made friends with time
thought we'd be flying
maybe not this time

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder if he's okay

if you see him, say hi

"baker, baker" by who else?

"what i wouldn't give to find a soulmate
someone else to catch this drift
and what i wouldn't give to meet a kindred"
-from "all i really want" by alanis morissette

i don't like sex with strangers, and i don't quite understand why the hell everyfuckingone gets off on it! i've done it and that's how i know i don't like it. what's so wrong with working on a fucking relationship? yeah, it's hard, but you get plenty in return. it's an investment, methinks.

i've tasted what i thought was the potential for something long-lasting and good, so now i'm just wanting it all the more! i feel like my body is fucking craving something it's missing...and it's not easy to find! you see people taking those sweet, innocent moments for granted and i want to be one of those people! i want us to go grocery shopping on friday night after work, and i want to go home afterwards, fix dinner, clean up, watch television, and go to bed. there's something about the safety and the comfort of a stable home life!!! and why the fuck do i feel so motherfucking guilty for saying i want this?

it's a damned shame. got caught up in the game. so much to offer....

i did it and stuff. i think i'm going to add a lot of stuff while i'm waiting for school to start. the seed has been sown: i want to fall in love!

ever think about all the billions of lives that have been lived and how much better life could be for us now if all those billions of folks would have shared the lessons they learned with the rest of us? might take a lot of the bullshit out of our lives today! anywho, i think i'm going to start a section about the things i've learned. dorothy allison tried to do just that in two or three things i know for sure but all of her little lessons were pretty elementary. for example, "two or three things i know for sure, and one of them is that change when it comes cracks everything open." WTF! way too general. you can look for my take on things soon! yee haw!

driving all that time, listening to the radio, made me fall in love with blu cantrell. here're the lyrics to the song.

a few happies:

• tori has a new cd that's going to be released on september 18! it's all covers, but it's all tori! =)
  
• jule and i had an awesome time in savannah this weekend! i can definitely see myself living there someday! i'll write more about the trip when the mood strikes.
  
• i no longer have my head stuck up my ass. end of story! =)
  

the opposite of love isn't hate. the opposite of love is indifference.

well i'm about to head off on a girl's weekend with m'girl, jule! things are actually going really well right now. i've learned sooo fucking much about myself in the past two days! i'll let you all know when i get back in town. hugs!!!!!!

absolutely no worries.

Life is difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

from The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D.

first off, i think bitch is up for a new look.

i now know where crack heads and addicts come from, and i didn't learn it from my mum who was supposed to have given me the secrets to this fucking existence upon the shit hitting the phan. yesterday was stressful as fuck and it is i who brought it upon myself. i'm thinking i got to find stuff to do (for myself) in the very near future. hopefully it'll involve sex because i'm in desperate need of some really hot, messy, pig sex! it's been all of two days since the last round.

anywho.... last night i went to the liquorama and bought a liter of coke and a bottle of rum. then i headed to campus where i filled my thermos-cup-thing 3/4 full of rum and the rest with coke and headed off on a binge. i sat on the steps near the library and drank and drank and drank and wrote in my journal and became more and more and more angry.

i have some real wishes for myself!

wizz butt.

i will die for you
i will kill for you
i will steal for you
i'd do time for you
i will wait for you
i'd make room for you
i'd sail ships for you
to be close to you
because i beleive in you
to be a part of you
because i believe in you
i believe in you
i will die for you

today is ANGRY YOUNG MAN DAY!! how are YOU celebrating??

someone said that worry's like a rocking chair. it gives you something to do, but you don't get anywhere. i think i've learned to think in circles. no. i'm sure that i've learned to think that way! i think about stuff and think about stuff, but it doesn't really get me anywhere. it just gives me something to do? i don't know if i'd even go that far. it definitely keeps me occupied, though!

tonight i've been thinking about the path i'm going to pursue once i get that long-awaited degree in december. i've been thinking all along about going to graduate school to get my master's in education, but now i'm truly questioning whether or not that's a road i want to see through. seriously. i'm the kind of guy who HAS to do what i want to do. i'm not good at following, and i don't necessarily want to change that. i want to help other folks. my degree's going to be an english degree. i've thought about working on my master's in english and possibly teaching at a small college, but i think i might have the same thing going on that i would have teaching at a public school -- to a lesser degree, of course. i can see myself becoming a therapist. psychology's my minor. i wonder how easy it would be to get into a gradute program in psychology when psychology's been a minor only? maybe i SHOULD just DECIDE to find out? end of story!

i love the smell of play dough. my mom gave me some a few days ago, and the container's on my desk. i always open it and play with it and smell it. it smells like it would taste good. but it's really salty! what's the first thing i sculpted? a dick, of course!

lol. i remember watching an episode of oprah a long time ago, and she was saying that the things we hate in others is always something we hate in ourselves. i heard it, but i wasn't so sure that it was true until i experienced it for myself! judgemental people are crap in my eyes. none of us has any right to "decide" what's good or bad or right or wrong for anybody else! ...and if we'd spend less time judging other folks and more time working on our own problems, the world would be so fucking much better! of course you know that i can be a judgemental fuck! here goes: it bothers me when i see people who don't make the best use of their time! for example, i used to pass this house every night on my way home from work. i decided a lot about the people who lived inside without ever having talked to them or anyone who knows them. their house is a single-wide mobile home on a lot that's about as big as the trailer itself. their cars are old and not great. but it seems that they take pride in what they have. they have some landscaping going on. they decorated nicely for the holidays. their lawn is well-kept. i think it's a (hetero) couple which lives there, and i think they're raising their grandson. the grandson's probably like 3 or 4 years old. i always felt so sad seeing them working on their little yard...mowing their 6 square feet of lawn. it seemed so very pointless to me. i wanted to ask them what it's all for! i mentioned this to my therapist during one of my sessions, and he came back and asked me if i could see myself in them. was i feeling sorry for them so i wouldn't have to feel sorry for my own pointless existence? the more i thought about it, the more that i knew i WAS feeling sorry for the couple so i wouldn't have to face how i felt about my own shitty life! maybe if i'd been focusing more on myself and less on everybody else, i would have noticed how i felt about myself and i would have changed things much earlier. so...i think oprah made a very valid point!

it's interesting to see the world through the eyes of somebody else. last night rob and i were talking about the different ways we think about things. he was saying that if it doesn't concern him, he doesn't think about it. and i thought how selfish!!! but i think i can appreciate what he's saying. he's probably making better use of his time than i. why worry about all the injustice in the world if i ain't going to do a damned thing about it!?!? i could certainly use more time to focus on myself and on the relationships i want to develop.

me, me, me!!! i NEED to focus more on myself and on the relationships i have going on. you guys are VERY important to me!!!

i can't sleep, so what do i do? turn to the computer.

btw: i have a feeling that i'm on the threshold of greatness!

was a decent weekend. spent friday night with jule and charla. those two fight too damned much! spent last night and today with my lovah (lol)! was good. this week will mark a month! =-X

i'm too old for that shit!

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. So to help the butterfly, the man took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If nature allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

the ice is thin come on dive in underneath my lucid skin. the cold is lost, forgotten. hours pass. days pass. time stands still. light gets dark and darkness fills my secret heart forbidden. i think you worried for me there the subtle ways that i'd give in but i know you like the show. tied down to this bed of shame. you tried to move around the pain but, oh, your soul is anchored. the only comfort is the moving of the river. you enter into me, a lie upon your lips. offer what you can. i'll take all that i can get: only 2 fools here. i don't like your tragic sighs as if your god has passed you by. well hey fool that's your deception. your angels speak with jilted tongue. the serpent's tale has come undone. you have no strength to squander. the only comfort is the moving of the river. you enter into me, a lie upon your lips. offer what you can. i'll take all the i can get. only a fool's here to stay. only a fool's here to stay. only a fool's here.... "ice" by sarah

how does it go...distance...makes the heart grow fonder? i just want to curl up and kiss the back of his neck and then fall asleep.

open minds. remind me to talk about open minds.

i want a massage.

oh...and puhleeeeeeeeeeze sign my guestbook (over and over if you havta)!!!!! it makes me ever-so happy!

i have a lot on my mind tonight, so this could possibly end up being a really long post. i'm thinking about some more personal stuff too, so maybe i'll add that to my other blogger page.

about an hour ago i was driving down 32 from athens. i don't know how many of you know that road, but it has very little traffic this late at night! anyway.... i'm cruising along and up ahead there's a huge white thing in the middle of the road. as i get closer, it fucking gets up and walks into the median. it was a fucking dog sleeping in the goddamned road! ain't that some shit? then the other morning on my way home, i noticed a dog lying beside the road (in the grass). his head was on his paws and he looked sooo very sad. there was a sign by him, but i didn't really notice what the sign said.... evil thoughts just started running through my mind. i just knew that someone had tied the dog beside the road and left a sign that, like, said, "free dog" or some shit. and i just knew that it was a hoax. i just knew that some serial killer was in the bushes waiting for me to stop to save the dog. (have you seen THE CELL??)

i miss marcy a lot. i haven't seen her since i left that place i used to work! i sent her an email tonite. hopefully she can get off her knees long enough to respond. j/k! marcy's an excellent, good girl who would never do anything nasty like getting on her knees.

moses (my cat) is very fucking important to me! sometimes i feel like i couldn't love him more if i had given birth to him. i know that's probably really hard for 99% of you to understand. (sarah does, though!) i remember thinking about the conversation i was going to have with jule if she and i ever got a place together. i was going to explain to her how important it was that no one do anything that would scare him at all and she had to be very sure that he didn't run out the door and stuff.... one of you might understand where this is coming from. i would give a thorough beating to anyone who hurt my baby!

the best gift i have EVER received is a gift i received from sarah. it was two christmases ago. it was this book that she put together. it had pictures that she had taken of me and of us and she included a poem and captions. that's the best: someone showing you that you are important to them and that you mean a lot. you can say something 'til you're blue in the face, but showing it is what makes it so. thanks again, sarah. i love you!

i'm still grateful that i don't work in the clusterfuck in which i used to work. yup! she's one of the most insecure fucking bitches i've ever come across. she manipulates everything at work just to make herself feel like the queen of the world!! she's not worthy of your trust.

i'm learning so much about myself from working on this relationship with rob. you're all going to have to meet him soon. he's great.

glue.